Tuesday, April 07, 2009

Just Keep Swimming
I've rewritten this post a few times. Okay, so maybe more than a few! I'm just kind of at a loss and a little bit overwhelmed right now.
You see, yesterday we had a meeting to discuss Little Bug's goals and testing results with the school. Now, we get to go to quite a few meetings for my little guy, but this is the one that I dread the most. This is the one where they let me know just how far behind he is. This is the one where they let me know that my 8 year old is functioning on a 2-5 year old level. And in some areas it's even lower than that. It's never fun to have another person point out areas where your child may be lacking. But it's one thing to have a person give their opinion on what they think is wrong. It's another to have a set of professionals (psychologist, speech therapist, behavioral therapist, teacher...) sit down with test results in black and white to illustrate each and every area where your child is struggling. He has made progress and I'm thankful for that. But sometimes it's hard to see those steps forward because they are usually microscopic.
And after these meetings I always wonder... what more can I do? And then, of course, the guilt comes rushing through me because there is always MORE I could do. I start a list that is not unlike the one given to me by the school. I'm lacking in so many areas. And as I continue to pile things up, I begin to feel more and more desparate for solutions. But each solution seems to bring with it another mountain of problems and soon I'm feeling suffocated and overwhelmed. Because, really, how can I do everything I need to do for each of my kids (especially Little Bug) and keep myself in a sane and happy place? I'm starting to wonder if it can be done.
And so I sit. Paralyzed by the vast amount of things that I should be accomplishing. And in the end? I've done nothing and everything in my life suffers and then my guilt list grows.
I think my biggest problem right now is knowing where to start. I have to move a mountain and I feel as though I've been given a teaspoon to do it with. So, how do you tackle the mountains in your life? How do you keep moving forward even though your progress doesn't really seem like progress? Does anyone else feel this way? Or is it just me... and Marissa?


Kimberly said...

Oh honey, I know that paralyzed feeling well, and I don't even have anything major to be paralyzed BY. Just being a mum is enough of a challenge some days, and Mt. Guiltmore just seems to grow and grow.

I haven't figured out how to shake the feeling, I just know I NEED to. Hope someone else has better insight because I haven't got any. ~hugs~

Kristina P. said...

I think you need to stop beating yourself up. Sometimes there really isn't anything more you can do, and some of these things you have no control of.

I know you do the very best you can, because I admire the way you parent, just from what you say here.

JustRandi said...

I know you already know this, but by divine planning you are the exact mother that child needs. Your everyday best is good enough.
I think you're amazing, Melissa. And you really are doing a great job!

flip flop mama said...

You are doing a great job! Just do what you can and it will be enough. ((HUGS))

Johnson Family said...

When I read your post I thought of this quote by President Monson:
" My dear sisters, do not pray for tasks equal to your abilities, but pray for abilities equal to your tasks. Then the performance of your tasks will be no miracle, but you will be the miracle."
Just remember none of the trials that you experience will ever be more than you can handle. I know you are doing great job! Just include the Lord in everything you do and you will be able to accomplish anything.

Jodi said...

One of my favorite quotes is, "Do your best. It's ALWAYS enough." Keep in mind that the list of things to do are suggestions of things that will/might be helpful. It's not a TO DO list that must be checked off every day. Sure it would be good if you did this exercise or that exercise, but it would also be really good if your family was fed each day and had clean clothes to wear. You have to prioritize things and do what's best for you, Little Bug and the WHOLE family. You're doing a great job and your kids are so lucky to have a mom that cares as much as you do. Many kids don't have that. Keep plugging along!
P.S. That picture is AMAZING! You need to frame that one. (Of course, when you have time. haha)

Millie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Millie said...

So sorry you're having a hard time. You are SO not alone here.

I tackle the mountains one teaspoon at a time. :)

I hope good things for your sweet boy and the rest of your family.


Magirk said...

I love you, Melissa. I know that sounds crazy, because I've never met you, and all I know about you is what I read from your blog. But I do. And I think you're so awesome.

I don't have a child with autism, but we have 'issues' at our house, and you have perfectly described here how I've been feeling lately. I just let the tears roll away as I read it. I'm afraid all this blah has kept me from blogging, or doing much else. I just can't seem to get it together.

I cling to the hope that God will make up some of the difference in my life.

Anyway. Hang in there, girl. :) I admire you.

Yvonne said...

Melissa, I know this feeling so well. It is so hard when the task seems so insurmountable. You are doing an amazing job. I think of the posts I have read and the way you have handled things and I KNOW I COULD NEVER DO IT. You are exactly the mother Little Bug needs and one day he will thank you so much for the love and support you have ALWAYS given him.

Shannan said...

Melissa, you are such a wonderful mom and that little guy is such a sweetheart. When I feel like I have a mountain to move, I just sit and don't do anything. But if I just look at the first boulder, that seems a little more manageable. And keeping an eternal perspective is a good reminder of what things are the most important.

Christy said...

I can't give you any more good advice than you have already gotten... that quote by Pres. Monson is amazing! And when I first pulled up your post and saw this beautiful photo I thought the same thing... frame that thing, baby! Keep us posted on how it's going... you can do it! ;-)

Holly said...

We have an appointment scheduled for J, with a behavioral pediatrician, to finally get a real diagnosis. He's showing more delays as he gets older and for all the progress he's made over the last 5 years with his SPD, it's frightening to think about what we might find.

There is always going to be that guilt. It comes with the role of mother. But, you move forward, because you have to. You can't go back and you can't give up.

You learn all you can to give yourself and your son tools to deal with situations. You pray for strength and guidance and you move that mountain, one teaspoon at a time.

A teaspoon at a time. That's how you do it. Some days it feels almost like a ladle, but most days, it's a teaspoon. But, it will move.

Love you! You're an awesome Mom and you are making a difference in his life.

Adena and Greg said...

I know that feeling of paralysis. Look at the positives, all the incredible things you have accomplished. That always helps me to find the motiviation to move forward. I know you have made progress with Little Bug. I see him just often enough to notice the change, the improvement.

And I'm so glad you have that teaspoon to move your mountain. It's the perfect size. Not too big, not too small. Juuuusst right.

Tracey - Just Another Mommy Blog said...

You can only take one step at a time.

You can only use 24 of those hours every day (please don't forget to sleep!).

Try to focus on those little steps that you know he is taking. Set your goals on a shorter basis for Little Bug. Don't lessen the value of what he's accomplished, just because it isn't what an "average" child might consider important.

You ARE doing a good job. Chin up, hon. We all support you!

Nancy Face said...

You are a devoted and loving mother. What a great qualification that is! Maybe you don't really have to move that mountain. Small amounts of progress at a time are still progress. I will pray for you that you'll know what a wonderful mom you are, and that Heavenly Father is helping you through. (((HUGS)))

Amber said...

My heart goes out to you after reading this post! We ALL want what is best for our children and we all come up short. Whether it's their limitations or ours. He has been sent you and you only for a reason--you will be the key to unlock everything in his world, at his pace. We are all rooting for you!

Tonya said...

You are so NOT alone. I feel this way most days. It seems that I'm trying to do so much that nothing is getting done right. I think the title of your post was perfect. You just have to keep swimming. Keep moving those pebbles until the moutain starts to move.

You are a great mom and the love you have for your kids will get you through. I'll be here rooting for you.

diana said...

i totally understand that overwhelming feeling that you have to move a mountain and only have a teaspoon. i guess there's some comfort knowing that you're not the only one that has those feelings.

but, i have to admit that in your case, it might feel even more overwhelming because it involves your child and how they will continue to function in this world. i can see where it must feel like it's all on your (and your husband's) shoulders.

i feel sad when i try to put myself in your shoes. i wish you didn't have to feel this pressure. i guess we're all given our own daunting tasks.

you and little bug are in my prayers. from what i know about you, i feel like you can do anything you set your mind to. take your little teaspoon and start digging.

your friends here in blogland aren't with you physically, but we're behind you in spirit and want to encourage you in all you do. you're a great mom and little bug is blessed to have you as his.

i said...

i sure don't have a good answer...but i know He does. I know He gives us challenges we can handle. And i know you are strong!

Sunday Postum said...

Somebody hijacked your blog and wrote two consecutive posts full of overly critical reviews of your motherly ability. I've noticed that it happens upon occasion. Apparently they've never seen the delight in your childrens' eyes or heard their laughter as you read stories to them every night. Maybe they've never seen you up half the night cleaning up who knows what yuckiness and comforting the unfortunate source of said yuckiness. Nobody has any right to nitpick your ability to perceive the unknown formula that will make your children perfect. I'm pretty sure your hubby thinks that you are the very best mom in the world to take care of his beloved progeny and I'll bet there's nobody he would rather spend eternity with.

You should really be more careful about who gets to post on here.

3 Bay B Chicks said...

Oh, my friend, my heart ached for you as I read this post. As mothers, I think we all wonder what more we can be doing and question whether we are doing things "right."

The one thing I have learned is that there are no right answers. We give our children everything we can. Being your son's source of love and support is where you start climbing your mountain. The rest will happen. Just give it time.


i said...

i was just enjoying your playlist and wanted to say i wish you luck figuring stuff out!

Kristina P. said...

Melissa, I'm just checking in! We haven't heard from you in a while!

Amber said...

Just checking in too to see if you're OK. You are missed!